22 July 2019

Putting Its Behind In Its Past

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Was Scar called Scar before or after he first got his scar? Because if he got his scar first then that seems pretty shitty to make it his nickname. A scar is a form of disfigurement, right? That'd be like calling some poor deformed soul Burnie after they'd had their skin melted off in a horrific fire. Do you think that person is going to want to be your friend after you've made the worst moment of their life a cute little nickname? I know that Hitler's actions can never be justified but if he'd spent his life being called One Bollock by literally every single person he knew then you'd at least understand his bitterness a little bit better. Or did they call him Scar before he had the scar because that seems just as bad doesn't it? Who looks down at a newborn baby and decides to name them after a skin blemish? Especially after his brother Mufasa had already received such a cool name by comparison. Imagine having two children and naming one little baby Brad and the other little baby Cock-wart. Which of those two do you think might grow up to be a little bit anti-social? It's imposing a self-fulfilling prophecy onto somebody from birth and then blaming them when they didn't turn out entirely perfect. If you named your newborn baby Tubby McThickshit then I don't think that you'd have that much of a right to wonder why they grew up to be a fat fucking idiot. I'm not trying to make excuses for Scar, it's simply that I've just seen Disney's latest remake of The Lion King and, because it's so completely lacking in any fucking originality at all, it gave me time to think about things.

If I have anything good to say about this latest release it's that you don't have to worry about needing a piss once it's started. Since I turned thirty I've become increasingly preoccupied by my constant need to pee which now seems to be about four times a fucking hour. I'm at the point now where I can feel I'm going to need a pee pretty soon whilst I'm still in the middle of doing my current pee. If it so much as rains outside it seems that I need to take a fucking piss as though the moisture in the air is too much for my bladder to cope with. You can, therefore, imagine how stressful it is for me to go to the cinema when I'm essentially committing myself to zero toilet breaks for a full two hours. When I went to see Avengers: Endgame I was at the point of fucking death having deprived myself of liquid for what felt like two fucking weeks in preparation for its three hour running time. But you can do what you like with this new version of The Lion King due to how completely identical it is to the 1994 original. Nip out for a five-minute slash and you'll know exactly where you are in terms of the story by the time you get back. Take a shit if you like and it still won't matter. Spend twenty minutes trying to squeeze out a chocolate loaf and I guarantee it won't make a blind bit of difference to the film. Have a wank! Why not? Stay at home and spend two hours online trying to find that magical perfect video to knock one out to and as long as you saw the 90's Lion King then you'll still know every single fucking frame of this latest adaptation.

Maybe you haven't seen the original version and you thought that this would be a good place to experience it for the first time? Wrong. Of course, this version is still completely animated despite its intention of looking like a live-action film. But so what?! The cartoon movie existed in a world that was separate from our own and so could experiment with more imaginative musical sequences. Just take the classic song Hakuna Matata for example. In the original, there was a moment in which the animals were singing and to keep things visually interesting there was a spotlight on the main lion Simba, whilst his meerkat and warthog chums, Timon and Pumbaa, were swinging from the vines behind him. Because the physics and logic of that would look off in this more realistic adaptation, that same moment is replaced by simply having the characters walk along as they sing instead. How exciting. What visual wit and flair they've concocted by replacing a full blown musical sequence with a bunch of fucking animals having a fucking stroll. If that's what you wanted then you could just watch one of Attenborough's documentaries with the sound off and your iPod on. At one point in the original film, Scar has a musical number in which things go full-on Nazi and we see his hyena army goose-stepping to his tune. But that scene is replaced here with Scar singing his song as the hyena's just sit and listen to him. How fucking boring. In what world do you get a chance to show photorealistic animals pretending to be Nazi's and decide not to take it? If I see so much as a fucking white cat in the street then I have to draw a little toothbrush moustache on it with a marker pen.

Of course, the animation is fucking incredible here with this version of The Lion King proving that the computer wizards really can do anything now. But what's the point when it only really amounts to a karaoke movie in which our favourite hits and scenes are covered to a lesser overall quality?! In fact, there's a game show in Japan in which contestants have to sing karaoke whilst being wanked off from below the screen. Apparently, the contestants win if they can finish the song before they err.. how do I say this? Err... before they spaff their fucking pants. Although it sounds to me like the contestants are probably winning either way, I guess. But that show alone has more originality, tension, humour, and horror in one melodic wank than this movie has during its entire running time. I'm guessing it's a lot cheaper to wank a Japanese man off than it is to create photorealistic animals inside a computer too. I'm also aware that the show is unlikely to make as much money as this film will which is where we come to the sole reason for the existence of this film. Because although I'm sure the creative people involved all had the best intentions they've created a movie that is so lacking in heart and soul that you'd think it had been rimmed by a flock of fucking Dementors. I know that Disney has had its ups and downs but despite the impressive surface of this movie, it must surely be a low point for the studio to release a film that has less artistic integrity than Japan's tug to a tune gameshow, Sing What Happens Next.

Have you ever heard of a show called Animal Magic featuring a man called Johnny Morris? It was on the BBC in the 1960s and was essentially footage of a zoo in which the presenter Johnny Morris would badly dub a comedy voice over the various animals. It's a show that I've only heard of because my parents' generation like to reminisce about it when they're not just cracking on with their usual hobby of being casually racist. Well, this more realistic looking version of The Lion King is essentially a big-budget version of Animal Magic but if Johnny Morris was going through a pretentious Shakespeare phase. Instead of being about monkeys discussing their love of ice-cream it's now a pride of badly dubbed lions reinforcing the importance of their bloodline and their right to the fucking throne. Of course, I'm aware that I'm criticising this latest version of The Lion King for lacking in originality when the earlier version itself was inspired by Hamlet. But the comparisons between Disney's 1994 film and Shakespeare's play are superficial at best whereas this latest Lion King is a straight-up mirror of the first one. So if you were going to throw that in my face you can go fuck yourself. Of course, I'm not against remakes in general. David Cronenberg's The Fly is a remake but one that deviates from what came before to result in one of the best films ever. As with The Fly, had this new version of The Lion King also included a scene in which Jeff Goldblum's dick randomly dropped off then I'm sure I'd have enjoyed it a little more too.

If you are going to tell this story again then why not put a fresh spin on it and focus more on the lionesses for example? Just take Simba's mother who is given almost no screen time even though her entire world goes to shit about mid-way through the movie. She loses everything and I honestly couldn't tell you her name. I thought it might have been fucking Lion-O until I remembered that that was the leader of the fucking Thundercats. But my understanding of lionesses is that they're pretty fucking hardcore aren't they? When Scar takes control of the pride he announces it's because there's nobody left to challenge him. But there are still about five lionesses there and they just accept it. That'd be like me walking into the changing rooms of an all-female cage fight, announcing that “I'm the captain now”, and then not expecting to get a chair wrapped around my fucking head. If those lionesses ganged up on Scar then they could tear him apart like a dick in a blender. Also, where are all the other male lions in this pride? There's at least one other cub in this pride to a lioness that wasn't Lion-O or whatever her fucking name was. If there are no other males then who is breeding with the other lionesses? Was Mufasa shagging about? Did his wife know? Does that mean that Simba's girlfriend is his sister? If they do a Hills Have Eyes-esque sequel in which their twelve-toed, hill-billy, off-spring is in charge of Pride Rock then maybe this will all have been worth it. But as it stands this latest version of The Lion King is like seeing the big cat attempt to lick his own bollocks only to projectile shit onto his face by mistake. It's a shame that it had to happen and I never want to see anything like it again. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

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