13 May 2019

Murder, Bestiality, Tinder, And Pokemon

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When I was about ten years old we had my cousin around to stay and in the four seconds that I took my eyes off him, he managed to delete all thirty fucking hours of the progress that I'd put into my Pokemon Yellow on the Gameboy Colour. I'd like to say that I took this gracefully as it had obviously been an accident on his part, but the reality is that I dropped down to my knees and screamed the word “no” as loud as I could like a dickhead. I wasn't wearing a vest at the time but if I had been I suspect that I'd have probably ripped it off to add to the fucking drama. Not only had he deleted where I was up to in my game but he'd essentially also murdered the Pikachu that I'd formed a bond within it. Yeah, that's right, I said 'murdered'. Anyway, that would all have been about twenty years ago now and although I'm obviously over it if he, Andrew, happens to be reading this and still wants to make it up to me then I suppose the only fair way of doing that would be to make things even right? So that would be oh I don't know, thirty hours of my chores that he could do in order for me to get back the time that was stolen and then maybe he could stand by and watch as I kick his favourite fucking pet to death, yeah? Maybe I'd feel better about it then, Andrew.

I'm old enough to have been playing these games since they first came out and as you might be able to tell from that story, I do get quite into them. Also, I don't really give a flying fuck about my cousin if I'm honest. You can imagine my excitement then when it was announced that after all these years they were going to make Pokemon: Detective Pikachu, a live action movie that would be based on the franchise. I never actually played the Detective Pikachu game but that didn't matter because I just couldn't wait to see the more realistic looking Pokemon interacting with the actual environment and in a big budget movie. If you haven't got a clue what Pokemon are by the way, then fuck knows how you're going to follow this film because it doesn't really go too out of its way to explain them to you. But basically, they're these sweet little animal things that a trainer will catch, form a bond with, love, and then trap in a small prison-like ball, only releasing them when forcing them to fight another of their kind for fucking money. It's a Tamagotchi crossed with a fucking blood sport. Imagine filming a dog or cock fight on Snapchat and adding a cute little filter over it and that's pretty much the gist. Not that this film really deals with that element I suppose, with it instead focusing more on the mystery of exactly how and why the main characters father died. Imagine a cross between the Speed Racer film and fucking Angel Heart and you'd be surprised how close to this film that actually is.

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu is a buddy movie with the young Tim Goodman teaming up with a feisty Pikachu that only he can understand. I don't know if you know the real-life Son Of Sam story in which David Berkowitz believed that his neighbours' dog was talking to him, but this film basically works on that exact same premise. Except this time the cute little pet is helping to look for clues instead of, you know, telling him to shoot six people in the fucking head. As a buddy movie, it absolutely works too with lead actor Justice Smith convincingly selling the relationship with his Ryan Reynold's voiced Pikachu partner. They have a great chemistry together too which is pretty impressive considering that unless they crammed Reynolds into a tiny fucking suit, Smith would  have only had a tennis ball on a stick to act opposite him. In honesty as well, I would quite happily have just watched these two characters trying to get through a day together without the need of the tangled plot that they actually have. Or in an alternative world, I would also quite happily have just watched Smith go on a Pokemon Safari tour alone because seeing these creatures looking so real was a genuine treat. Although seeing the Pokemon as actual living, breathing, photo-realistic creatures did end up distracting me as I began to ponder the real-life consequences of if they really did exist. Namely, I wondered what the laws would be on fucking them.

Obviously having sex with a Pokemon isn't something that I'd want to do myself. Not unless I was drunk and came across a Bellsprout which essentially looks like a flesh-light designed by a vegan. But you just know that realistically some people would be all over them in the same way that certain strange people like to shag actual animals in our real world. As grateful as I of course am that it is, I honestly can't tell you why bestiality is actually illegal in our country. I'm assuming it's because the animal can't consent to the act but considering they don't consent to the act of being farmed or butchered it does then seem somewhat hypocritical to draw the line at showing them a little night time loving. Especially when we also don't ask for their consent to test our make-up products on them and make them look all sexy-like. But the Pokemon in this movie are shown to be intelligent, self-aware, and completely intuitive to our emotions. Is it therefore not possible that in certain situations the Pokemon might want to have sex with their trainers too? Especially Jynx. Fucking look at her. At one point in this film, Reynold's Pikachu makes a joke about having a piss. In the cartoon and games, I'd never thought much about it because of their unrealistic and animated appearance. But as soon as he brought the topic up I was forced to picture the little electric mouse's penis. I mean he must have one right? Where is it? There's a lot of Pokemon on display in this movie with some obviously having their design based on that of a cat or a dog. But not once did I see their ass-hole. Not once. Does this seem right to you? Because they must have one. They literally must.

Beyond this obvious distraction, the other problem with the film is that as it goes on and its mystery begins to unravel the story starts to make no fucking sense whatsoever. There's a twist near the end that I won't go into but left me with certain questions that I'm not sure the movie can answer. There were also certain Pokemon whose powers were slightly different from how they are in the game and at least one species who turns out to be a hell of a lot bigger. Nor was it ever really explained why the main character was the only person in the world that could understand what Pikachu was saying. Or at least I don't think it was? Not that this is a problem of course because at the start of the movie the main character, Tim, unintentionally inhales a vial of purple smoke. As far as I'm concerned that fucking gas flat out fucking killed him with the rest of the movie being his dying thoughts playing out as he lies on the floor and slips into the afterlife. The longer the movie goes on the less sense it begins to make as it gets weirder and sillier due to the fact that as Tim gets closer and closer to death the more of his brain will now be shutting down. Throughout the movie, there's an obvious theme of 'daddy issues' as well as the main characters own struggle to accept Pokemon into his life. As the film goes on these ideas are obviously addressed to the point of resolution and perhaps it all really did happen. But I'm pretty sure that these are also the exact things that would be playing Tim's mind and that his brain would attempt to provide closure on as he lies dying on the floor, blood pouring from his nose, leg twitching, and bowls no doubt emptying.

Whether you subscribe to this theory or not however I'm sure that you'll enjoy the film on the strength of its central characters and world-building alone. Does it need better writers if it's lucky enough to gain a sequel? Sure it does. But wouldn't I also be willing to give the world a blow-job in order to be doing better in life? Of course, I would. In both cases, however, I suppose that the film and I should take some solace in the simple fact that we just don't suck. Not that there's anything wrong with giving blow-jobs of course and I would just as happily receive one of them as I would another instalment in this franchise. Well, I'd probably prefer a blow-job if I'm being completely honest with you but seems as neither are available to me at this second I suppose I will take what I can fucking get. In fact, I actually work for a company that sells Pokemon cards online and so as far as I'm concerned my job title should technically be Pokemon Master. I said this to a girl on Tinder once, to which she asked, “Does this mean I can be your Pokemon Mistress?”. Because I'm a fucking stud I shot back with, “that depends on how capable you are at handling my Great Balls”. In case you're not quite in the loop then Great Ball's are basically a thing that you can catch Pokemon with in the game and so the pun just about works. The next day I told my friend in work about this exchange to which he decided that it was funny enough that he'd give it a go himself to see if he'd have any luck with it. Like this film however he kind of got muddled with the narrative he should have been sticking too and ended up making a bit of a mess of it. “Did it work?”, I asked him later on. “Nope”, he said. Turns out that he'd forgotten most of the actual exchange and so when the girl he'd matched with asked him what his job was instead of explaining that he was a “Pokemon Master”, he simply responded, “I sell trading cards. Do you want to play with my balls?”. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.

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