15 May 2016

Gerard Butler Is Secretly Evil

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Here's a piece of trivia that not many of you might know about Gerard Butler... Even though he seems to be biologically similar to a medieval cave-dweller, before becoming an actor he was, in fact, almost a lawyer. Despite the fact that on film he might come across like a lobotomised Scottish troll, he was President of the Law Society at the University Of Glasgow where he graduated with Honours before going on to become a trainee civil lawyer. However he sadly stumbled at the last hurdle when one week before receiving his full certification he was fired for excelling in his national sport of alcoholism. It seems that no matter how much education you put into a man's head, you just can't seem take the Scottish out of it. Although initially wanting to make a living from upholding the law, he has subsequently turned to a life of evil with his latest film London Has Fallen being the most recent of his many atrocities. I suppose you could point out that Olympus Has Fallen was pretty terrible in that it was essentially a shitty remake of Die Hard as filtered through the mind of a feverishly patriotic American moron. In which case how bad can this sequel really be? I mean if Olympus Has Fallen was a disease then it'd be spinal cancer and what could possibly be worse than spinal cancer? The answer... London Has Fallen.

To quickly fill you in on the plot, Gerard Butler is an American agent tasked with protecting his President as played by Aaron Eckhart. At the start of the film the world is shocked to hear of the unexpected and suspicious death of our British Prime Minister. Although, I'm presuming that the shock and suspicion is mostly due to a politician having actually done something that we'd like them to do for a change. As a result, all of the world leaders are invited to his funeral in London in what is so obviously going to be a trap that they may as well have had the service on a giant leafy rug above a massive pit of wooden spikes. And to be fair.. the actual plot isn't much more thick-headed than that. Obviously there's a heavy police presence in the capital on that day presumably to help with the crowd control. A lot of the public have decided to line the streets to show their respect whilst simultaneously making sure that the privileged, Etonian pig-fucker is actually dead. However those crafty terrorists are always one step ahead and so have bought some police uniforms to confuse anybody who might try to stop them. All of the world leaders turn up, the bad guys start shooting, and because they're wearing their fancy dress costumes, the response is for the authorities to pull their law enforcement officers out of the capital. I can only assume that they've found this tactic in a big French book entitled 'How To Survive A War'.

The thought process here is that you can't tell who's a good guy and who's a bad guy and so the actual police have been left completely confused. A few years ago I worked in a pub when we were raided by what seemed to me to be a policewoman. I started to doubt her credentials as an officer of the law however when she proceeded to get her tits out and squirt cream all over some bloke enjoying his stag-night. My point being that it's not just the clothes a person wears that define who they are but also their actions as well. When what looks like a policeman is standing on top of a roof firing explosives from a rocket launcher at any passing helicopters, then I'm going to apply my Sherlock-like powers of deduction and conclude that he's probably not a fucking goodie, is he?! These are the kind of skills that Gerard Butler displays as he and the American President fight to survive in what feels like a never ending conveyor belt of boring action scenes. Oh- he does actually have one other clue as to who the bad guys are to help him through, as most of them seem to have a skin shade that most bigots would label on the Dulux colour-chart as 'terrorist brown'. To say that this film is a little racist would be an understatement as Butler's character refers to the bad guys' home country as 'fuck-head-istan'. This is ironic because based solely on Butler's character and persona, I kind of thought that 'fuck-head-istan' was probably located just north of Newcastle.

Oh, and it's also worth noting that the attacks are taking place because the American's bombed and killed the main villain's innocent family instead of him, which seems like a reasonable cause for his anger. Not only is this practically on the verge of being a war crime as it is, but it's also worryingly similar to Donald Trump's plan on how to deal with terrorists which goes to show just how mentally-defective this film actually is. At least Olympus Has Fallen stole its ideas from Die Hard.. this sequel is apparently pilfering from a man with such terrible hair on his head that I literally dread to think how awful his pubes must look. However the reason that America tried to kill the villain in the first place is because he was selling arms to their enemies, with the implication being that they're pissed off about his direct involvement in the various threats to their country. Although, considering America also sells weapons to its own enemies, I'm guessing that it's really because they were trying to get rid of the fucking competition. Oddly these are all aspects that the film chooses to ignore in favour of a much more gung-ho 'shoot anything with a beard' attitude. I can only presume that, as well as being a shit action film, they were also hoping to give all of the slobbering racists in the audience a chubby little erection for them to hang their tiny flags on.

At the very least the confusing mixture of prejudice and arousal might help to distract from the god-awful CGI on screen which was like watching a broken PlayStation cut-scene in about 1996. At one point there was an aerial action sequence with some obviously fake Helicopters that was so unbelievable that they temporarily took my mind of the film's wearisome plot holes. If you have the capacity to kill a world leader and want the American one dead, instead of killing the British one as a trap, just kill the American one in the first place, you stupid fucking cock-womble. I mentioned Trump a second ago, who is obviously currently attempting to gain leadership of the Republican party with the last Republican President being George W. Bush. Well, in Britain, when you combine a bit of Bush with a horrible Trump, we call that a fanny fart.. or a 'queef' for short. This is a coincidence because not only will this doltish piece of shit movie appeal to many of their followers but I'm pretty sure that the aforementioned aerial action scene was only achieved by cutting out a photograph of a helicopter and then queefing it across a child's drawing of the sky. Either way it just goes to show how terrible London Has Fallen is when the effects are as bad as that and yet they're not even the worst thing about the fucking movie.

I'm guessing it therefore also goes without saying that the acting here is generally fucking awful too. Butler is playing the character with an American accent but at one point he bumps into a soldier that is clearly very Scottish. Throughout their entire conversation I couldn't help but spot the pulsing veins in Butler's head as he strained against joining in and reverting to his native voice. It was like watching the main character resist his transformation in An American Werewolf in London except instead of fighting the urge to grow claws and sharp teeth it was to moan about the 'bampots' and do some fucking heroin. However as bad as the acting might have been, the editing was somehow even worse with it being so cut-and-paste that you could completely tell that Morgan Freeman did all of his stuff in about half an hour. In fact, at one point, Freeman bumps into Butler with the camera only ever showing the two of them in the same shot when it cuts to the back of some clearly random white haired, elderly black man's head. It was actually so obvious that I started to wonder if Morgan Freeman even knew if he was in this film or if they'd either done it Bowfinger-style and tricked him or simply cobbled him into it from shots of his other movies. Having seen the final product here, if I was Morgan Freeman, that's certainly what I'd be fucking telling people anyway.

So to conclude, Gerard Butler was going to be a lawyer before turning to a life of evil and making shit like this. You might think that the word evil is a little strong, but there were twenty people in the screening of the film that I was at.. I know this because I counted them all like they were fucking sheep in a desperate attempt to try to nod off. At just over ninety minutes long, that means that humanity has literally lost thirty whole collective hours of man-power from that one single showing of the film. Except I checked afterwards and it turns out that the one cinema that I saw this movie at was showing London Has Fallen six times a day. Now.. if we assume that there were twenty people in each of those different showings then that means that Gerard Butler has literally stolen one-hundred and eighty hours of humanity from society in just twenty-four hours. Except, it's more than that isn't it because we had to pay to get in. So lets assume that a ticket is around £10 and that most people are on a wage that's somewhere around that number per hour then the reality is that he's actually stolen three-hundred hours of humanity per day. Obviously the film was being shown from Monday to Sunday and so if we multiply that figure by seven then our society has actually lost two-thousand, one-hundred hours of productivity in one single week, in one single cinema and from only this one shitty film. Once you start to work that out on a national, and then even worldwide scale, you start to wonder what we could have done with our time and money instead. We could have built special schools for tiny sick children; we could have instantly wiped out the debt of some struggling small countries; or we could have invested in various forms of renewable energy and begun to save the planet. But no.. Gerard Butler had better ideas so we saw London Has Fallen instead. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.



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