The Wizard of Oz is a film that most people experience during their childhood. Sadly
though, it has taken me until the age of twenty-four to catch up with it. I'm
not sure what it says about modern society that I've once fallen asleep whilst
stoned and mid-tug before having an opportunity to see this classic but
personally I'd always blame the parents. People who saw it as a youngster often
talk about how scary it is with the evil witch and flying monkeys and- they're
sort of right. The film is scary, but
not for those reasons. Before killing his victims, Jeffrey Dahmer liked to
drill holes in their heads and melt their brains with acid. I suspect the
fevered hallucinations those poor people would have suffered before being raped
and eaten would have looked something like this film. For a kids movie, The
Wizard of Oz isn't half fucked up...
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| Fucking lock it in the cellar. |
The film starts in Kansas and introduces us
to some antisocial bitch called Dorothy. Having allowed her dog to maul an
innocent member of the public, the stroppy little mare runs away to hang out
with a magical man that in no way came across like a paedophile. Having never
seen Judy Garland in anything before, when listening to her sing and hearing
what sounded like Liza Minnelli's voice come out of her mouth, I couldn't help
but be reminded of The Exorcist. After the song ended I wasn't
sure whether to applaud or throw holy water at the screen… thanks to good old English
reserve though, I obviously did neither. Still, as first impressions go, both
Garland and her little dog Toto do give fairly good performances. In fact I
would say I liked Toto so much that he's probably become my favourite movie dog
since seeing Lassie in Lassie, Beethoven in Beethoven and
Madonna in Die Another Day.
Unfortunately, things go a little wrong for
Dorothy when she's caught in the middle of a tornado. Quickly, she runs back
home where she receives a bump on the head and is knocked unconscious. From
this point on the film is ambiguously either depicting a fantastical journey
into a magical land or more likely the dying dreams of a teenager with a brain
haemorrhage. Whichever you believe however, what we see is the wind lift up her
house and fly away with it. A while back, a close friend of mine was telling me
the top five places he'd been sick, with the number one spot being an aeroplane
runway after landing at an American airport. I think he liked that whilst the
yanks would kiss the ground of their beloved country the first thing he as a
Brit did was puke over it. In terms of disrespect however, Dorothy goes one
further with her arrival in Oz and promptly sets about killing people.
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| Benjamin Button on the right. |
The first of Dorothy's victims in this new
world is The Wicked Witch of the East who was crushed beneath the falling
house. Now, I know that this was clearly an accident but considering that
somebody has just died, Dorothy acts as though she couldn't give a fuck. If I
unintentionally stand on a snail I'm overcome by waves of guilt but this
pigtailed psychotic shows so little concern that you'd only conclude that she
was a fucking sociopath. Instead of suffering any negative consequence to this
however, the local residents instead simply applaud her vigilantism as though
she's just ripped down a statue of Saddam Hussain and rubbed her genitals in
its face. I should point out that these locals are known as Munchkins and look
a bit like a gumpy race of children born in the aftermath of a nuclear
apocalypse.
In an attempt to flee the crime scene,
Dorothy decides that she wants to go home. To do this however she is told by
Glinda the Good Witch that she must visit the respected Wizard of Oz.
Personally I'm not sure if I'd trust Glinda considering she looks like a Scouse
alcoholic enduring a particularly painful comedown but Dorothy decides to
listen anyway. The instruction that she receives is to simply follow the Yellow
Brick Road which, to be fair, sounds easy enough until it turns out to be
longer than the fucking M6. By the time she's gotten to the end of it, she's
befriended a brainless Scarecrow, a cowardly Lion and most worryingly, a Tin
Man without a heart. I say most worryingly because unlike Dorothy, I've seen The
Terminator and so know to stay well away from any axe wielding sentient cyborg
that openly admits to being heartless.
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| "Killing makes me sticky" |
Having said that, I do have a few questions
about the death of the Wicked Witch of the West with the main one being, err
what the fuck? If you can be killed by something as simple as a bucket of water,
don't keep a bucket of fucking water lying around… which is assuming that it
was even water in that first place. At no point does anybody confirm that's
what it is, so for all we know Dorothy has just casually flung a load of acid
into the old hags face. Kind of like when religious people go mental and punish
their daughters for not agreeing to an arranged marriage. For what is supposed
to be a kid’s film, I once again can't help but find Dorothy's lack of empathy
somewhat disturbing. If you like the idea of a film which is an exact cross
between Charlie and The Chocolate Factory and Taxi Driver then I
strongly recommend The Wizard of Oz.
Like I say though, although it's taken me a
long time to get around to this film, I'm happy to report that I enjoyed it. I
really loved the vivid imagery and the ambiguity between what is either a dream
or reality. I was obviously fully aware of every aspect of the story due to
it's seepage into popular culture but it was still a treat to see the original
in all its glory. In fact it contains so many iconic moments that it has been
homaged in things as diverse as The Simpsons, Wild At Heart, Life on Mars and
the absolute classic porno The Wizard of Ass. Actually just as a slight
tangent but whilst we're on the subject, any fans of that last example should
definitely also check out the epic Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. They
actually make a great double feature assuming you have enough tissues to get
through them and then cry at how shit your life is.
Thinking about it, although I did enjoy The
Wizard of Oz, I think I appreciate it just because of how much I love the
things that it's inspired. One thing that surprised me for example was how much
of Star Wars I could see in it. The second Witch’s death looked kind of
like Obi Wan's in terms of an empty cloak falling to the ground. The Emerald
City's Gate was similar to Jabba's Palace's with its small peep hole to allow
interrogation and perhaps light cottaging. The scene where the Munchkins
proclaim Dorothy as a hero was like when the Ewoks decide C3PO is their God.
The Wizard’s floating head converses like a giant hologram reminiscent of how
Palpatine chats to Vader. Oh, and after their films release, both Judy Garland
and Carrie Fisher had a merry descent into alcoholism which was cheerfully
topped of with a dangerously expensive smack habit.
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| "I do not take Political Prisoners!" |
If you've not seen this film then I do
strongly recommend it. Not only does it deserve its place as a classic, but
Dorothy may also be one of the greatest anti-heroes along with Hannibal Lector,
Patrick Bateman and Norman Bates. If you want something that could
psychologically damage a child then this is certainly more legal than allowing Grandpa
to flash them. If only more films would display the same level of creativity,
then cinema would be in a much healthier state. I hear if you listen to Pink
Floyd's Dark of the Moon whilst watching The Wizard of Oz then
you'll notice that they coincidentally synch up. Also by coincidence if whilst
watching a Michael Bay film you listen to that same album and then decide to
turn the television off and stare blankly at a wall you'll actually have a much
better time.
Follow this blog or I'll fucking cut you.
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